From elibs.com
Don’t coast guard cutter too close to the tv, you’ll hurt your butt .
A/An boat a day keeps the active duty Coastie away.
Eat lots of dolphin soup when you’re sick.
Don’t keep looking like that or your leg will freeze like that.
Never take patrols from strangers.
No god before marriage.
Turn the civilians off when you leave the room.
Don’t let the watchstander run while brushing your arms .
Don’t drill there with the radio door open, the tow lines will spoil.
Always have on a pair of serious underwear in case you get in an accident.
Don’t stand watch with scissors.
Wash your butt !
You just wait until your mom gets home!
Take out the uniform .
You’re not going out sat like that, are you?
Be back by sixteen hundred hours !
Put a coast guard under that drink, so it doesn’t leave a ring on the boat .
Eat your chips !
Quiet down in there before i lick your foot !
Always remember boaters & USCG ships will hurt my butts , but sailors will never touch me.
Shut the door! Were you born in a Lake of the Woods ?
drill at me while i’m talking to you!
I thought the last line you wrote on that one was the funniest.
Please write More!
You are very creative.
Do you like to write?
These are great! My brother-in-law is in the military. Actually he is getting out and they’re moving back here. Perhaps I can show this to him.
I like your post.. Very amusing…
I was browsing the different blogs when I came across this one. How cute! Keep ‘em coming. lol
I am listening to a song called, “I Want to Be in North Dakota.” For real! Its amazing! It says gotta go back there, she’s waiting for me, I want to be in ND. Its so true for me. I love this place. It says “The life I got here is exciting me.” Wow, this song is perfect! Then it says “All the dreams worth dreaming come true.” It has a great guitarist sort of playing in a classical style. Its so beautiful. Wow. Amazing song. I found it on amazon mp3 section. This is a great place. Its safe and pretty nice people.
I’m posting this in my off duty section, because its not directly related to my auxiliary service. I have a lot of friends who are blind that go through vocrehab and ask me why I don’t use them. Well, its simple. Vocrehab hands everything to you and you don’t have to work for it! THen people start feeling like they are entitled to everything just because they are blind. THen when its time for them to get a job, it seems like the vocrehab people just say here you go, and give them a job. I don’t want people to just hand me stuff. I want to earn it actually working for it, not being a government leech. I’m here to serve my country, not leech off its government like a poor beggar. This I believe is why so many blind people are extremely left winged Liberal democrats. They feel entitled to everything and get mad if something they want can’t be given to them. Then they act all arrogant and better than everyone else when they claim they can be just like a sighted person. I have found that most of these people live close to friends or family and they won’t admit it, but they sometimes get help from them. Vocrehab then runs peoples lives because they let them! Well, that’s what they get for free stuff. I don’t usually post my views like this, but I hear so many people complain on forums and articles, and it drives me crazy. That is why I don’t go along with vocrehab. I am going to work for and earn my job placement and not have it handed to me just because I am blind and end up in some typical blind person job and molded blind robot who acts like every other blind person. Like when they try to brainwash you by sending you to those stupid independent training schools to make you act less blind, but really it makes you selfish and arrogant. Just my thoughts anyway. Just tired of people asking for socialized healthcare and expecting the government to take of them like little children.
I don’t know which voc rehab people you’ve been dealing with or hearing about. But, my personal experiences with blind services have been quite opposite of the examples you’ve sited here. When I needed a computer for my classes in Marketing and management my voc rehab counselor wouldn’t help me get one. When my husband requested basic computer training through a local facility this same councelor told him he was too old to learn to use a computer. When we moved to Athens I asked voc rehab to either help me get a used Perkins Braille writer or get my husband’s 25 year old one repaired, they also said no. So where are the hand-outs?
A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO .
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES
THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’LL GIVE IT A TRY AND
SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.’
SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER
NICKEL IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ,‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128
LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO.’
THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY
GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE
MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO
THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:
‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU
ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.’
THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, ‘I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.’ SHE SAT BACK DOWN.
FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS
FIDDLE CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY‘S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE,
AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE,
SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, ‘THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I’VE GOT
TO TRY THIS AGAIN.’
BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD
CAME OUT. IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS , YOU ARE GOING TO
CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.’ NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE
IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, ‘I’VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.’ BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED,AND
AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE
BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE
SAID TO HERSELF, ‘THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I’VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.‘SHE
WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL AND ANOTHER CARD CAME
OUT.
IT READ, ‘YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED
AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO ’..
That was very funny. I got a big laugh out of it!
Hello Alexandria,
I read your comment that you left on my blog several months ago and the end of your website caught my attention. Coast Guard girl so I went and did some research on my own and have since started the process of joining the coast guard auxiliary in my area.
I am blind as well, and was wondering what types of things you do when you go for training and on missions.
If you could email me privately that would be wonderful.
aemcgarrah@samobile.net
Amy
New at SA Mobile. How do I change the introduction of my public bookmark page?
How do I start a blog and what is the best titles that catch attention? I want to connect with others 55 years or older? Any ideas?
What was your first issues for being affective on SA Mobile?
I just knew there was more to that saying than once thought. Always seemed curious why the grandparents said that when I was too slow for them.
I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re
definitely going to s**t yourself’ roadkill chili..
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that
if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know
what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement 2’.
Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot,
my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the rest rooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different ..
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines,
and before I could take one step in the direction of the rest rooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which
has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the
aisle and out of it, just as an red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous
effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t.
I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his
arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here ‘s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing
that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny.
‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the rest rooms, laying down a
cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mall assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’,
floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’.
He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping
when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes..
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me
in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Lowe’s.
I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store..
Hey. The one thing I find myself confused about is wether that’s a story of fiction or it’s real life. I’d like a clarification on that.
W
ELL THAT HAS TO BE THE BEST ONE i HAVE EVER HEARD
Thought that was funny, too. Laughter’s the best medicine.
That sounds like my husband’s chilli!!! I laughed so hard tears were in my eyes.
I am so glad to be back in Fargo! My friend Jenny and I had a blast last night. She came over and we watched a movie. She is only a door away, so we visit alot. Today I picked out some groceries and they will be delivered soon. Tomorrow I meet with my agency about an assistant and this week I’m going on two disability club trips. Its just these things that I missed so much when I was in Iowa. I love my new couch too. I got everything the way I want it, and I’m finally done with moving in. Well, I’m off to hang around and eat and Jenny will be over later.
Oh my goodness! Its finally happening! I’m getting out of this place this weekend! I am having a party now! My assistant is helping me pack, and she is bringing me Chinese. I think I am looking forward to coming back to everything familiar the most. It will be nice to see everyone again, and I will call my job on Monday and tell them I’m back and ready for duty!
Have a nice party there.
Yay! I’m finally getting out of this town! I found a few people interested in helping me, and one can for sure help this weekend! I’m so excited to be getting back to Fargo! The first thing I am going to do when I get there is order some really good Chinese food, since they don’t know good food around here and nothing delivers. Its my birthday three days from now too! Sable my cat baby is happy too! I got her a travel house where she can have her litter box, food, and bed in there. I am so glad about returning to my old honor guard too! I am giving them a card as a present. I have to have my assistant help me write it tomorrow to thank them for acccepting me back. I was sure they would have replaced me by now. I love my job there so much. Well, I’m off to do some more packing.
Hey. It sounds like exciting!
It is day fifteen here in this place. It could be described as like prison, or at least what I have heard of it on tv and in books. I pray every night for someone to take me back to Fargo. I wonder if I’ve broken the world records for a non sick person being stuck in the house for so long, besides during an icestorm or something.
Fifteen long pain-stinking days should be out the window in addition to bordum.
Yes, makes me crazy.
I am so tired of being stuck in this stupid small town. It has been ten days since someone has taken me somewhere. This apartment building sucks too. There is nothing to do here. Drill was canceled last night. Col C said something about post and I’m not sure what else.
Hey there. I’m sorry you have to be stuck in there like that without anything to do.
Thanks so much. It gets extremely depressing.
Well, I haven’t posted here much. I’ve been on leave for the holidays. I have a cold, so feeling sort of yuck. Other than that, just trying to get out of this awful town.
Hi there you guys. I just got through helping my friend. She is the one that I met at camp with autism and is blind. She is having a really hard time. She really looks up to me. She wants to be like me, but I tell her we are meant to be where we are now. She gave me her mom’s number and I talked to her. Turns out she came from India at age seven from and orphanage and was abused. She has had a very hard life. I am so glad I can support her. She lives in a group home. That would be really hard. It’s hard to talk to her though because we have such different lives, and her mom wants me to be firm with her and tell her that she can not be like me and that it will never happen. How awful. I am so thankful for who I am. I am so thankful even though I can’t see that I am fine in my mind and that I can still serve in the auxiliaries and give back to our country and that I can go to university, a military one at that! I sometimes get disappointed that I can’t go with my friends to Iraq, but I remember that I help our country in the way that I am meant, and that it could be a lot worse. I am so thankful for you guys and that you’ve been so supportive of me and my goals. I feel so bad for my friend that it’s hard for me to talk to her. I don’t know if we can keep talking because we have such different lives, and she is having behavior problems because she wants to be grown up like me. It’s so sad it breaks my heart for her to be like that. She will be okay though. I wish her mom wouldn’t be so direct with her. When ever I start thinking that I want to do something I can’t, I just think of her and that I am so thankful for what I have like you guys, the squadron exchange trip coming up, school, being on my own, everything. School is different, but I am making it so far. I got my grades that I have so far. I have a B in one class due to apa formatting, but my professor says when DSA gets my letter from my old school, then she’ll be able to wave the apa requirements and just grade my writing, not the visual part, which will be good. The music class is okay, but sort of frustrating because I don’t have the course material. I’m still getting used to online classes at this school. It said book with six cds, and I thought that meant like cds of the audio in the material, but it’s just the music from thebook and the bookstore people are trying to find an alternative format of it. For now I m just researching stuff online for that class. I have a C now, yuck, because I don’t have the course material to follow, but the professor said that it’s not my fault and that I’m doing really well besides that. Other than that, nothing much accept for planning for the trip. I’m so excited! I get to go flying with a Navy LT! He’s active duty and everything! And it’ll be wicked awesome to be hosted by a family of officers! Major C and Col C rock! I’ll probably end up moving to Iowa and be in his squadron if Boston doesn’t work. I still haven’t heard back from any Coast Guard people about processing yet or Boston. I’m not giving up on it though, if I move to Iowa, there’s a CG Aux unit there. I think during the trip I will be going and meeing their leaders as well. I am so looking forward to October! People say squadron exchanges are lots of fun. I’m glad I don’t have to leave the country to go though and that I will know my hosts this time. Well, I’m off. Love you guys lots.
Well God Love you and Bless you
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