Romans 8:27 NIV
And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit
intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.
http://www.birthverse.com/
__________________________________________________Hello, my name is Tamika.
At the beginning of 2012, I was a happy wife and mother. My life was as close to perfect as it could be. I never thought my life would change forever. My husband and best friend, Cecil, died, which turned my whole world upside down. I knew it would be hard, but never thought it would be as hard as it has been. I have hit extreme lows, and sometimes I can’t see how I make it from day to day.
Some days even now, I still feel the loss as if it happened yesterday.
This website is in memory of him. Here you will find information benefiting visually impaired persons.
You will see my blogs through my ups and downs,
and hopefully find something which will help you deal with grief,
if you are ever in need of the information.
I also included some of my favorite bookmarks.
If you have any questions or comments, you can contact me at
tamikapolk@samobile.net
(336) 392–2903
I want to thank my family, and many friends and co-workers for their loving support in these trying times.
Industries of the Blind in Greensboro,
The Greensboro Council of the Blind, and The North Carolina Council of the Blind rallied around me, and gave me strength.
They gave me a reason to get up every morning.
I have also placed links to their websites here.
Stand up! Do the happy dance. Laugh out loud. Look in the mirror and blow yourself a kiss. Smile for no reason. Reach out your arms as far as you can, wrap them around yourself and squeeze.Be kind to a stranger. Tell God thank you. Call your mama. Forgive everybody. Don’t forget yourself. Forget mistakes. Grow from failures. Watch a silly movie. Sing off-key. Curse out your ex in a letter. Tear up that letter. Be fearless. Be afraid and do it anyway. Have a second helping. Have a good old cleansing cry. Believe again.
I woke up this morning feeling like no one cared.
I felt bad that I had to tell my children that it’s Mother’s Day. Eight very special ladies told me happy Mother’s Day and let me know that I do matter to someone. And one of those special ladies was me. Let me say again to Tamika Polk, Happy Mother’s Day to a very special mother. Thank you for being the person you are. I know there are days when you don’t feel appreciated, but I appreciate you. You do the best you can and that’s all you can do. May you have many hugs and kisses, thank yous and I love yous. So dryer tears, and have no fear, you are very special, Moore than just one day out of the year. Sometimes, you really do have to pat yourself on the back.
Hi, my name is Bradly. I am the protector of the family. It is my job to make sure everyone in the family is safe. I am big, scary, and I love the ladies. Punch is my best friend.
Hello, my name is Citrus Punch. My Tamika started this blog almost three years ago. When she lost her husband and best friend. I came to live with her tweeks after he died. Well, she has been considering doing me a Facebook page, but she remembered that she had a blog that I could use. I have fun playing with the other dogs. They are pets, and they have to sleep in crates. I am not a pet. She trained me to be a guide dog, and I love my job.
Well, it has almost been a year, and I think I’m closer to happy than I was then. God has blessed me with good days, and almost good days, as opposed to bad days. An almost good day really outways a bad day. So, I will keep waiting for joy to find me every day. And on days when joy runs in the other direction, I will patiently wait for it to come running back like a frisky puppy. Because, you know, it always does.
Today is a rainy day. I’m not depressed, but I’m not exactly happy either. Somehow, joy seems just out of my reach. It’s like a flitting butterfly staying just beyond my fingertips. I’m getting tired trying to catch it. So, I’m going to let it catch me. But while I am waiting, I won’t let it bother me. I’m not going to be depressed. And, I am not going to be sad. And, when joy catches me, I will be waiting with open arms. When Cecil died, I thought I’d never be happy again. I have been happy a few times since, so I know that it’s not impossible. I’ll just look forward to catching little snatches of joy where-ever, and whenever I can get them..
I really mis Cecil. He was truly my best friend. He was everything to me, and now, I have to be everything to the family. It is hard to go from depending on your best friend to take care of you and the ones you love, to being the one doing it all. It is like having someone to share your hopes and dreams with, to being alone, with no one to laugh or cry with.
If you have someone to love, give them a hug and tell them that you love them everyday. And, show them as much as you can.
On May 20, 2012, I went to the shelter and got an eight month old puppy who was originally named Robert, which is my dad’s name. I changed his name to Citrus Punch. (A pet name I had for my husband.)
I call him Punch.
He is a Shepard-mix. The paperwork on him said that He had been adopted before, but returned because he was too much
responsibility. I’m glad he was too much responsibility, because I met many dogs, in two days, and only one other was a match. but I couldn’t bring her home that day. I know I’m spoiled, but Cecil made me that way. So my twenty-year-old son Darren, went around until he found a dog who had been neutered, so I could bring him home wright away. When we went into the area to get acquainted, he jumped up on me to say hi, and happily ran off to play with my eight-year-old. But unlike some of the others, he would come back to me. He jumped up on Aaron while he was sitting in the chair, knocked it over, and proceeded to give him kisses all over his head and face. I knew then that he was the one.
A few months later I decided to train Punch to be a guide dog. When I decided to train him, I purchased a short lead, to take him on walks. I started by making sure he knew the basic commands, sit, down, stay, come, and stand up. I would get the other dogs to distract him when I gave him the commands sit-stay and down-stay. After we got those commands down, we started working on directions, forward, right and left. After which, I would tell him the names of things as we came to them. Such as gate, door and curb. I took him to a pet friendly hotel, and got him acquainted with elevators. I purchased a harness, and started going on short walks with him through the neighborhood. He learned to stop at steps, and go around parked cars and other obstacles. Each day our walks got longer, and we encountered many distractions. I took him up to a store, and we walked around parked bikes, and shopping carts. It has not been all roses. Punch has chewed up approximately
four short leads,
six to eight leashes,
one or two muzzles,
and one harness
When I thought he was ready, I started working him regularly. I took him to work and it has been an adventure in itself. The first day, which was the last Tuesday in February, he threw up. On Wednesday, he decided to take me across the plant to speak to another guide dog friend. And, Thursday, he barked at the janitor.
On April 24, he was chewing on his crate, and I took the wallet and hit the part of the crate he was chewing on, and sternly said
no.” He took his paw, and pushed the wallet away. So, I put it back in a box under my table. At 9:30AM, we came in from outside, and he came over to my sewing machine with me. he stayed there for a minute, and then went to his crate and got in. Later, I heard him chewing on something, but it didn’t sound like it does when he is chewing on his crate. I went to investigate, and he was happily munching om my wallet. He bit the corner off of my ID, but he didn’t eat the money. Life with him has really been different.He is perfect for what I need. I didn’t see the need to take a well trained dog from a school who could be successfully used by some one who could benefit from the extensive training that my dog just doesn’t need. If I have to do any of the things I didn’t train him to do, I have my sons with me. As time goes on I change my technique. I have switched to a gentle leader, and do less leash corrections. we ar a work in progress.
I looked back at my blog on New Years Day, and it almost brought tears to my eyes. It was so sad to think that the woman who wrote that was so depressed. I can’t believe it was me. I stayed in bed that whole week, From Christmas afternoon through New Years Day. I look at myself today, and think that I have come a long way. I know that I will have some bad days, but I am no longer that miserable person who shut herself in her room for a week, and lived on pringles and Sprite. God is truly my Rock, and with out Him, I don’t know where I’d be. Words can’t express the way I feel.
One day this week, I started observing my friends, and thinking about people around me and why they do the things they do. I’ve tried to learn not to comment to other friends when someone annoys me, or does something I don’t like. I think it is better to swallow hurtful words that may get back to the person you are talking about. It is best to treat people as you want to be treated. Don’t treat them the way they treat you.
I have added more authors to my list of
favorites, and I will be adding more in the future.
———————————————————————————Randy Alcorn,
Angela Benson
ReShonda Tate Billingsley
Teri Blackstock,
Michele Andrea Bowen
Ann Christopher
http://www.annchristopher.com/http://www.annchristopher.com/http://www.annchristopher.com/
Jerry B. Jenkins
http://www.shelfari.com/authors/a13526/Jerry-B-Jenkins/
Karen Kingsburry.
Tim LaHaye
https://timlahaye.com/
Victoria Christopher Murray
Kimberla Lawson Roby
Jacquelin Thomas
http://authors.simonandschuster.com/Jacquelin-Thomas/29630609
Tracy Price-Thompson
http://www.tracypricethompson.com/
I have decided to train my dog to be a dog guide. So far, we have done some country travel in our area. He stops and lets me know when cars are in front of us, and he turns right or left when I tell him. The only thing is, the snow and cold weather prevents me from working as much as I would like.
It is New Years Eve. I have been thinking about my life this past year. It is hard to believe that Cecil has been gone seven months. The pain is still greater than I could have ever imagined. I am glad to have my family and friends, but I am alone in every way possible. I never thought I could live without ever being hugged, kissed, cuddled, or just feeling like you are really special to someone. Well, I guess I can, because I really don’t have a choice. It is worse on days when my perfect children don’t measure up to my standards. Those days, I want to have someone tell me that I am important, a good mother, and everything will be okay. I said that I never wanted to remarry. Now, that is a noble stand. People tell me that I shouldn’t cheat myself out of being happy if God found someone for me. Well, God may have someone in mind, but, I haven’t seen anybody I’d even look at. And, if he is going to choose a man from the unmarried men I already know, he will have to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. They have no interest in me, and as I said before, none measure up to my lofty standards. Even with my loneliness, I am thankful for my many blessings. It is a joy to wake up every morning, to see my wonderful family. Darren, Aaron, Punch, Bradley, Kristmas Kookie, KitKat and Mouse. My friends at work make me happy too. They all give me a reason to get up every morning.
I hate to read romances. They remind me of the great tragedy I have suffered. I start thinking about how I will never have anyone to grow old with. It’s truly depressing to dwell on, and I don’t have to work hard to get depressed these days. I try to look at the humorous side of my miserable life, and for the life of me I just can’t see it. I will lose my hair, teeth and my mind, and there will be nobody to notice, or even care. My children don’t see it. They see me the same way I was when their father was alive. I come home, go in my room, and stay here. And, that’s what I did then. The only difference is now I am in here alone. Deep down under the ground, is buried the most wonderful person I ever knew. I wonder if he really knew just how much I love him. When he was alive, did he really understand how much I loved him? I want to scream, wail, rip my clothes, and rid myself of this misery. Could I cry enough to make the pain go away? Will I ever find joy in celebrations, or will I constantly regret going to them?
Does it matter to any one that I am never going to have a real hug, kiss, comforting word or anything that makes a woman feel special? I can’t say that I want just any man. And, maybe someone special is out there, but, I only had that from one person, and I will never ever have that here on earth again, unless God sees fit to put me with a Cecil clone. Maybe God will get tired of my crying in my pillow, or taking happy pills, and force some poor unsuspecting man to be the recipient of my needy heart.
What do you do when you have heaven on earth and loose it?
What do you think when God takes you, a poor, miserable, lonely SnowWhite Cinderella look-a-like, and gives you Prince Charming, lets you live; happily ever after, and twenty years later, happily ever after stops?
How do you go on when your husband and best friend, who is the center of your life, dies much too soon?
Are you sad, angry or both?
Do you wonder what you have done to find yourself in such a miserable existance?
Do you wonder if the pain will ever end?
Are you thankful that Prince Charming doesn’t have to experience the sadness you have suffered?
That is my life in a nutshell.
I sometimes wish Cecil had not been such a wonderful person. If I found out that he was flaud, it would make it easier.
Everyday I hurt for him. His voice, his touch, and his wisdom.
I am adrift alone in a sea of wonderful people. Reaching out to me, but yet, I just can’t reach them. My fingers bearly touch the life line, but I rush by,.
Only God can save me, and I wonder if he wants too.
Why does he allow me to ache so?
Loosing my godmother didn’t hurt half as much.
But loosing Cecil was like loosing a physical part of my body.
And now, sometimes I think I’ve lost the ability to be happy.
I can laugh, and tease my friends, but my heart never feels the joy it once felt.
Dear God,
Everyday it amazes me when I see the wonderful things you do in my life, and in the lives of people arround me. It is so wonderful, when something is laying heavy on my heart, and you lead me to read a book, or a passage in the Bible that speaks to just what I am feeling. Or how you lead several ministers to preach on the same subject on a given day.
How could I not believe, and give you the glory?
Dear God,
I want to be a blessing to someone.
Not just a person who says a kind word, or offers a friendly hug when needed. I want to do that and more.
Please use me to be a comfort, sounding board, or whatever that person needs.
Tear down walls that might hinder me from being all you would have me to be.
Remove all doubt that i might have.
And guide us all through life with the purpose of serving you to the best of our abilities.
Dear God,
There is so much I want to say.
I want to thank you for all you have done for me.
You have pulled me back from the brink of deep dispair many times.
I am glad you have been there for me, even when I didn’t love myself.
When I wanted to die, you didn’t allow me too. Oh, how you have done for me what nobody else could do.
I can’t even begin to express my thanks. But still, there is a lonelyness surrounding me.
I am so glad for your undying love.
I feel it in everything you do every day.
Your Child
Tamika Polk
I wonder how my life is going to be every day with out my cecil. Actually God’s Cecil. When I am extremely happy, I feel bad, that he is not here with me. And sometimes, I miss him to badly, I don’t want to do anything. These times are fewer and farther between. I try to be glad I was allowed to have him for a short time. I know I was truly blessed to have his sons, and they are the best of both of us..
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=L4kjftNVk3k
Greensboro Council of the Blind
http://www.facebook.com/GreensboroCouncilOfTheBlind
336–392-2903
North Carolina Council of the Blind
http://www.nccounciloftheblind.org/
800–344-7113
American Council of the Blind
http://acb.org/
800–424-8666
Industries of the Blind
http://www.industriesoftheblind.com/
336–274-1591
NC Library for the Blind
http://webopac.klas.com/ncbph/
888–388-2460
Camp Dogwood
http://www.nclionscampdogwood.com/
800–662-7401 ext 229
Blind Families
http://www.BlindFamilies.com
Blind Outreach
http://www.blindoutreach.com/
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